that i came back from the dead? been there done that, what was i supposed to do so different this time?
your not even shocked i came back sammy, havent even asked about putting me through the gauntlet. so what the fuck are you exactly expecting me to do here? start workin on my bucket list for next time?
[ okay, let's pretend that wasn't a rant. and that he's 100% utterly unaffected. ]
what a little twerp why do i adore you so much again
we can pretend that wasn't a rant all we want - but it most certainly was, and just about the most dean his brother has been since this started happening. it's something of a relief, in and of itself, but the sigh he gives while simultaneously scrubbing at his face is more than enough to bring about the frustration that always comes when things like this happen.
it's sad that it's that normal for them. )
How can I run you through the gauntlet through text? Ask for a picture of you dousing yourself in holy water?
( that exists here, right? )
I knew you were going to come back. Death never lasts long here. That isn't the point.( you should seriously think about asking him how he knows, so intimately, about that whole death thing. )
The point is that it shouldn't have happened at all.
[ mistakes were definitely made, but that's not too terribly shocking either. mistakes are always made with them.
but dean isn't trying to be overly dean-y right now, all he knows is that he's upset and pissed off and kind of hates himself more than he usually does.
which takes a lot of work.
there's a lot of hatred goin' on right now. ]
except that IT DID. i fucked it up, you get that dont you? i let it happen, turned into a fucking zombie and i couldnt even take my own head off [ here we go. it's begun. it. has. begun. ]
and you couldnt think to tell me that people around here come back from the dead?
what that just slipped your mind?
one to which there is no answer aside from *just because*
( dean being upset is a given. there's very rarely a time when he isn't upset about something or another - but things like this, in order to get him to show even something takes more and more effort each time it comes back around, and while sam is tired, they need to work this out. they need to get past it.
so they can get back to their semblance of normal, even in this place. )
You? You fucked it up?
( good job, kids, time to get all of these feelings out on the table. )I should have been there to stop it. To keep it from happening. Then you wouldn't have had to worry about even THINKING about mercy killing yourself.
It didn't seem relevant.( oh sam honey no. don't go that route. please don't. )I would have brought it up when it was.
[ dean would like to believe that he is not always upset thank you very much, he just becomes so easily enough. like a constantly simmering pot always inches from frothing over, but dean is sure there is nothing here to get past.
it's just zombies.
it's just more of their regular ol' bullshit.
and lord, dean just wants him to shelve his guilt so he can take the blame when he knows its his own damn fault, don't YOU DO THIS SAM. ]
so you werent there, whatever. youve got your own shit here, i swear to god if you blame yourself for this sam im gonna knock it right outta you [ because that's healthy.
but no. no you do not get to do that. ]
wasnt RELEVANT? how the fuck is that not relevant or is the answer not relevant either
( he can think whatever he wants to think - no one can stop him, even if they wanted to. and he can think there's nothing to get past here, that it's just the zombies and the residual sour taste left in the mouth from their infestation, but sam is convinced otherwise.
there is always going to be guilt. anything something happens to either one of them - something that hits home a little more closely than he'd meant for it to when he thinks about what he hasn't told him yet.
it's been months. months. and he hasn't come clean yet. how pissed off had his brother been when he hadn't immediately admitted that he hadn't just come through the door when he did? what sort of toll is this going to take? )
Maybe I do, but that doesn't mean you don't still come first.( how often is he going to remind himself that dean had spent a year in purgatory while he'd been playing house with amelia?
they might be over that, he might have forgiven himself for it, but it's always going to be there. it's never going to go away. )
I didn't say I blamed myself. I'm only saying that it might NOT have happened if I had been.
Because -
It just wasn't, okay? There was no need for you to worry about crap that happened before you got here.
[ okay so maybe dean's more upset about this zombie shit than he's letting on and he's trying real damn hard to pretend like it's no big thing. like his death isn't a punch to the gut every single fucking time, but what the hell's he supposed to do about it? whine?
which is why he may be itching for the chance to change the subject, because it hits close to home. because they're always there for each other, always (always running into battle together, just them, for as far back as they can remember) and yet dean still should've had the balls to shoot himself down. ]
whether or not i come first, i still shoulda taken care of the problem before you even had to see it. wouldve made this whole damn thing easier.
but you keep throwing what ifs in here and well talk ourselves in circles. you werent there, it happened, i died. and these fuckin gods brought me back no problem, now theres something we should be talking about.
[ no, he's just avoiding the subject again. ]
worry about what crap.
don't you make that face at me also god this got long i'm sorry???
( dean is always more upset about things than he wants to admit, even to himself, and that's how he's always been. it's how they both are, if he's entirely honest, a bad habit that neither of them have ever been able to grow out of. but at least sam, in the long run, knows when to admit when he can't do it anymore. even if it's been long enough to cause some considerable damage.
which ... more than he can say for the moment, is precisely the case right now. that he's let it sit too long, has had more than enough opportunities to be completely honest with his brother about the whole of everything that had gone on before he'd come through the door, and it makes him sick to his stomach to think about what's going to come of this.
because he hadn't meant for it to turn down this road. not in the slightest. if a change of subject would have been welcome on dean's part, he should have had the foresight to simply let it go and veer away from what they both don't want to think about, but ... no. it's never that simple for them, is it?
and sam winchester has perpetual foot-in-mouth syndrome. which, coincidentally, still remains in place through text. )
Do you really think any of us would have let you kill yourself, Dean? Me, Jo, Cas? Even if it would have solved the problem?
( and that's another thing. even if it would have been the right thing to do in the long run - they've both been through too much death. and sam has seen his brother die in so many different ways that he isn't entirely sure there have to be very many options left for variety. with the exception of a zombie bite, apparently. that's just another one for the books. )
[ And Dean knows that. Knows that Sam's breaking limit comes before his own just like he knows his own breaking limit is a thing he tries so fucking hard not to touch. Thinks he can outlast himself every damn day of the week and he can if nobody stands in the way. It's everyone else he always tells himself: it's everyone else who steps in between and flip his switches.
Just like Sam's doing right now, poking him like an angry bear who didn't have the fucking balls to shoot his own head off.
Should'a done it is the only thing echoing through his head. ] i wouldve made you let me
[ as if he's got that much control over the situation, but that's not the only thing echoing through his head now because Sam is keeping something from him and it's starting to fire up Dean past his own self deprecation. And he doesn't fucking like it.
Sam's lying and Dean's going to get it out of him. ]
if its crap, then its important. crap with you always means something sammy
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dwthis text
oh my god!
i know i know
you're the worst!!!!
ONLY A LITTLE
more than just a little!
( somebody really has his panties in a twist, okay. he needs to get this out of his system. )
naaaaaahh
yeaaHHHH
( this is because he should have been there to prevent it in the first place. )
I'm serious.
NAAAAHHH i don't believe you
and im not?
WELL YOU SHOULD
that doesn't matter.
you should be able to hear it in your subconscious by now. )
About as much as you always are when you're trying to avoid something.
( LIKE THE IMPLICATIONS OF YOU HAVING DIED?? MAYBE????? )
i refuse
He's busy trying to be a shithead, stop interrupting him. ]
im not avoiding shit
well that's just rude of you
like herpes. )
No?
im practicing bein a butt
he used zombie protection. ]
you want me to cry about it?
dsflkh you're doing a good job you stinker
he thinks.
he doesn't want to think about it. )
I want you to stop pretending like it isn't a big deal.
( and for you to not ... blame him ... for not being around to make sure it didn't happen in the first place.
because he blames himself.
and we don't need any more guilt than we already have. )
:DDDD
that i came back from the dead? been there done that, what was i supposed to do so different this time?
your not even shocked i came back sammy, havent even asked about putting me through the gauntlet. so what the fuck are you exactly expecting me to do here? start workin on my bucket list for next time?
[ okay, let's pretend that wasn't a rant. and that he's 100% utterly unaffected. ]
what a little twerp why do i adore you so much again
mistakes were made.
let's not dwell on them.
we can pretend that wasn't a rant all we want - but it most certainly was, and just about the most dean his brother has been since this started happening. it's something of a relief, in and of itself, but the sigh he gives while simultaneously scrubbing at his face is more than enough to bring about the frustration that always comes when things like this happen.
it's sad that it's that normal for them. )
How can I run you through the gauntlet through text? Ask for a picture of you dousing yourself in holy water?
( that exists here, right? )
I knew you were going to come back. Death never lasts long here. That isn't the point. ( you should seriously think about asking him how he knows, so intimately, about that whole death thing. )
The point is that it shouldn't have happened at all.
man idk thats a good question
but dean isn't trying to be overly dean-y right now, all he knows is that he's upset and pissed off and kind of hates himself more than he usually does.
which takes a lot of work.
there's a lot of hatred goin' on right now. ]
except that IT DID. i fucked it up, you get that dont you? i let it happen, turned into a fucking zombie and i couldnt even take my own head off [ here we go. it's begun. it. has. begun. ]
and you couldnt think to tell me that people around here come back from the dead?
what that just slipped your mind?
one to which there is no answer aside from *just because*
so they can get back to their semblance of normal, even in this place. )
You? You fucked it up?
( good job, kids, time to get all of these feelings out on the table. ) I should have been there to stop it. To keep it from happening. Then you wouldn't have had to worry about even THINKING about mercy killing yourself.
It didn't seem relevant. ( oh sam honey no. don't go that route. please don't. ) I would have brought it up when it was.
gfkjsfdsa this answer works for me
it's just zombies.
it's just more of their regular ol' bullshit.
and lord, dean just wants him to shelve his guilt so he can take the blame when he knows its his own damn fault, don't YOU DO THIS SAM. ]
so you werent there, whatever. youve got your own shit here, i swear to god if you blame yourself for this sam im gonna knock it right outta you [ because that's healthy.
but no. no you do not get to do that. ]
wasnt RELEVANT? how the fuck is that not relevant or is the answer not relevant either
c: good good
there is always going to be guilt. anything something happens to either one of them - something that hits home a little more closely than he'd meant for it to when he thinks about what he hasn't told him yet.
it's been months. months. and he hasn't come clean yet. how pissed off had his brother been when he hadn't immediately admitted that he hadn't just come through the door when he did? what sort of toll is this going to take? )
Maybe I do, but that doesn't mean you don't still come first. ( how often is he going to remind himself that dean had spent a year in purgatory while he'd been playing house with amelia?
they might be over that, he might have forgiven himself for it, but it's always going to be there. it's never going to go away. )
I didn't say I blamed myself. I'm only saying that it might NOT have happened if I had been.
Because -
It just wasn't, okay? There was no need for you to worry about crap that happened before you got here.
:333
which is why he may be itching for the chance to change the subject, because it hits close to home. because they're always there for each other, always (always running into battle together, just them, for as far back as they can remember) and yet dean still should've had the balls to shoot himself down. ]
whether or not i come first, i still shoulda taken care of the problem before you even had to see it. wouldve made this whole damn thing easier.
but you keep throwing what ifs in here and well talk ourselves in circles. you werent there, it happened, i died. and these fuckin gods brought me back no problem, now theres something we should be talking about.
[ no, he's just avoiding the subject again. ]
worry about what crap.
don't you make that face at me also god this got long i'm sorry???
which ... more than he can say for the moment, is precisely the case right now. that he's let it sit too long, has had more than enough opportunities to be completely honest with his brother about the whole of everything that had gone on before he'd come through the door, and it makes him sick to his stomach to think about what's going to come of this.
because he hadn't meant for it to turn down this road. not in the slightest. if a change of subject would have been welcome on dean's part, he should have had the foresight to simply let it go and veer away from what they both don't want to think about, but ... no. it's never that simple for them, is it?
and sam winchester has perpetual foot-in-mouth syndrome. which, coincidentally, still remains in place through text. )
Do you really think any of us would have let you kill yourself, Dean? Me, Jo, Cas? Even if it would have solved the problem?
( and that's another thing. even if it would have been the right thing to do in the long run - they've both been through too much death. and sam has seen his brother die in so many different ways that he isn't entirely sure there have to be very many options left for variety. with the exception of a zombie bite, apparently. that's just another one for the books. )
It's not important.
how dare. that's all i have to say: HOW DARE
Just like Sam's doing right now, poking him like an angry bear who didn't have the fucking balls to shoot his own head off.
Should'a done it is the only thing echoing through his head. ] i wouldve made you let me
[ as if he's got that much control over the situation, but that's not the only thing echoing through his head now because Sam is keeping something from him and it's starting to fire up Dean past his own self deprecation. And he doesn't fucking like it.
Sam's lying and Dean's going to get it out of him. ]
if its crap, then its important. crap with you always means something sammy